The Good Manners of Belonging

Recently, at the Toastmasters International Convention, I found myself in a conga line.

Not exactly where you might expect to find a lesson in good manners.

We were waiting for the results of the digital voting. Music filled the room. Sweet Caroline came on. Then YMCA. Before long, people were singing, dancing and joining the conga line.

I don’t know when this Toastmasters tradition began, but it certainly predates my years of attending International Conventions.

And I hope it never disappears.

As I looked around the room, I realized something.

For those few minutes, titles didn’t matter very much.

Countries didn’t matter.

Age didn’t matter.

Whether someone was a first-time attendee or had been coming for decades didn’t matter.

We were simply people enjoying one another.

Good Manners Are About More Than Knowing What to Do

Perhaps that’s something we’ve overlooked when we talk about manners.

Good manners aren’t only about knowing what to do.

At their best, they help other people feel that they belong.

That can be as simple as noticing the person standing alone and inviting them into your conversation.

It can mean introducing a newcomer to someone you already know rather than spending the entire evening catching up with old friends.

And yes, sometimes it means making room for one more person in the conga line.

Creating a Sense of Belonging Starts With Us

This convention reminded me how good it feels to reconnect in person.

I hugged old friends I hadn’t seen for some time and met new people who, perhaps, will be old friends one day.

Technology has given us extraordinary ways to stay connected.

We can text, Zoom, follow one another on social media and send a message across the world in seconds.

But a hug is different.

So is shared laughter.

So is turning toward someone and saying:

“Come and join us.”

We often think belonging is something an organization, workplace or community creates.

I’m beginning to think that’s only partly true.

Belonging is something people create for one another.

It happens one introduction, one invitation, one smile and occasionally one conga line at a time.

Perhaps one of the most gracious questions we can ask ourselves when we enter any room isn’t:

“Where do I belong?”

It is:

“Who can I help belong?”

A Moment of Reflection

At your next meeting, conference, social gathering or family event, look around the room.

Who hasn’t been drawn into the circle yet?

You don’t need a title or permission to make someone feel welcome.

Move over.

Make the introduction.

Invite them in.

Small acts of respect create ripples of change.

What ripple will you create today?

Frequently Asked Questions

What do good manners have to do with belonging?

Good manners are about more than following social rules. At their best, they help people feel noticed, respected and included. Something as simple as making an introduction can tell another person that there is a place for them in the room.

How can you make someone feel like they belong?

Notice who may be standing outside the conversation. Introduce them, invite them to join you, ask a genuine question and make space for them to participate. Belonging often begins with very small gestures.

What are examples of good manners at social gatherings?

Greeting people, making introductions, including newcomers in conversations, listening without interrupting and noticing someone who is standing alone are simple examples. Good manners help everyone feel comfortable, not just the people you already know.

Why is making people feel welcome important?

Feeling welcome makes it easier for people to participate, connect and be themselves. Whether in a workplace, conference or social setting, inclusion can shape someone's entire experience of the room.

How can I include someone who is standing alone at an event?

Start simply. Introduce yourself, ask them a question or invite them into the conversation you're already having. You don't need to entertain them; you simply need to open the circle.

How can workplaces create a stronger sense of belonging?

Organizations can establish inclusive practices, but everyday behavior matters too. Employees create belonging when they make introductions, invite colleagues into conversations, acknowledge contributions and notice who may be getting left out.

Why are introductions considered good manners?

A thoughtful introduction removes some of the uncertainty of entering a new group. It gives people a starting point for conversation and signals that they are welcome to participate.

Can one person really create a sense of belonging?

Yes. You don't need to be the host, manager or most senior person in the room. One invitation, introduction or genuine smile can change how someone experiences an entire gathering.